December 31st, 2008

Another year has now passed into the annals of history as we know it. I wish I could recollect accurately about the last 365 days as a whole but my memory is limited to the moments and feelings which stand out the most.
"As long as there is a criminal class, I am in it." I believe that was Vonnegut quoting Eugene Debs but I'll double check it. From here on out I will be able to identify, through a very small experience, with the criminal class of the world in a literal way. I was arrested for the first time, and will serve 72 hours in county in a matter of days. Though this is by no means the same experience that many fellow prisoners have I do remind myself that this is, if I recall correctly, approx.68 hours longer than one Johnny Cash spent behind bars and he managed to become the mouthpiece of the criminal class for two whole generations. My experience in losing my freedom will be documented here in about a week.
I behaved like a responsible citizen and voted in the presidential election as well as voting on state and city matters. This was the first time in my life that I've done this. For the next four years, regardless of his performance, I will be able to say that Obama "is my President."
Scoti and Brooks had another baby this year, Ruby Rose, who I have yet to meet. Adam and Tianna had their first, Julian Clark. Meeting Julian has given me a reason to hope our planet holds out for another century now. I can look at him and tell he will be an amazing man someday.
Uncle Larry died this year. Cancer. He was ill and he's always been a tough guy. I'm sure that he confronted his mortality with clarity and strength.
I've gotten to fall in love a few times this year. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, since it's such an easy thing to do. I've learned that physical beauty isn't worth a drop of mental stability and happiness. I fell for someone who was dropdead knockout gorgeous in every physical sense but didn't have an ounce of heart of genuine goodness to go with it. She turned out to be dirty and wicked inside but by the time I found that out it was too late. Luckily a short time later I was taken by someone I've known for a long time, who I feel truly loves me when she looks at me, and is pure positivity to the point that it radiates from her and seeps into me when I'm around her. There's no telling what will become of us but for now it feels good and every moment you have to feel good with a young good woman is a moment that should be seized. I think that's what I will miss the most if I grow old, the women, without a doubt.
As far as resolutions go I'm not going to kid myself with making any of the generic ones since most of them are ones that I make week in and week out. I do have a few legit ones though:
-I will never take being able to drive and owning a vehicle for granted again. Being mobile to travel the landscape is an amazing thing and vital to my emotional well-being. As long as I can move about, I can keep my life relatively fresh.
-I will respect the "Law" more in the sense of not doing stupid shit to get caught when it is necessary to break a Law. Regardless of whether or not I agree with whatever ridiculous law I may or may not break it is vital to never, ever, ever get caught. Someone like me will never win against the almighty Law.
-I will enjoy the small things more and enjoy the company of others more than I have.
-And the photos, yes the photos. I will once again start the "Photo-a-day" blog and hopefully stick with it this time. Daily photo taking will improve my life, that's a fact.

I'm heading to work now. Hello 2009.

Long Time No See

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So, I haven't been updating. Lots to catch up on.

Got to hang w/ Eric! He was here in the city promoting an art project. Eric continues to be one of the few true geniuses I know. Such a great positive friend to know. We got into a bit of an adventure. A couple girls took us home with them and raped us. I would actually like to see mine again, but sadly I believe that I have been 'played.' Left her my number, no word from her on the matter. And so it goes.

Tonight I helped celebrate a coworker's birthday. I was going through his ipod and saw that he had Lou Reed, and I really wanted to hear the 'take a walk on the wild side' song. Unfortunately it was not on there, how anyone could have Lou Reed and not have that song baffles me.) Did not think much of it but nonetheless was kinda baffled. Hours later, after dropping someone off at their home and cruising the Mission solo at 4am, what comes on the radio?? You guessed it. Badass. Mental-Energy-Into-Reality is a real fucking thing I tell ya.

I got tattooed. Getting my sleeve filled out, pretty exciting, and kinda nerve-racking as well. Next appointment Tuesday. Started school again. Taking two art-history classes. Going to Slo-Co late this weekend to celebrate Aunt Linda and Uncles Kenny's 50th wedding anniversary! And Uncle Larry's 70th birthday! Crazy stuff, should be a good time though with the fam. I've been reading Dune, started out boring but once you start to realize that you don;t really have to pay attention to all the goofy names and terminologies that closely and can just sit back and enjoy the story it's definitely a bit of a page-turner.

Symphony #2 in C Minor. "Resurrection"

Good Day, Good Mood. Let's hope nothing fucks it up by the time it runs its course.

I'm feeling good, feeling creative.

"17. This is an artist as an artist should be, modest in his requirements: there are only two things he really wants, his bread and his art."
-Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols.

"37. You run on ahead? - Do you do so as a herdsman? or as an exception? A third possibility would be as a deserter. . . First question of conscience.
38. Are you genuine? or only an actor? A representative? of that itself which is represented? - Finally you are no more than an imitation of an actor. . . Second question of conscience.
40. Are you who looks on? or one who sets to work? - or who looks away, turns aside. . . Third question of conscience.
41. Do you want to accompany? or go on alone?. . . One must know what one wants and that one wants. - Fourth question of conscience."

"44. Formula of my happiness: a Yes, a No, a straight line, a goal. . ."
-All from Twilight of the Idols.


Today I will starting my book. More to come on that.

Listen to Gustav Mahler. If anything were to make me believe in God it would be him I think.

Red Fog

I fought a Euro tonight for a taxi. The friends I was with said he looked like Yanni. After he ran from across the intersection and tried to tell me in his silly froggy-talk that he had had been waiting longer than me I told him to fuck off. He then tried to shove past me into the cab. I hit him with the door of the taxi and he said, 'Hey bro, you don't have to be so rude!' Imagine that, a fucking frenchman telling me not to be so rude. I proceeded to tell him that he was out of luck and it'd be best if he'd just just woddle off and told my friends to jump in the cab. After, I apologized to the driver about the scene and this Pakistani dude replies, 'Hey, you are Americans, I know you will tip me, he would not.' Moral is, fuck you Yanni, this is America, we are way more pissed off than you are, and we like violence.

I've been reading 'Watchmen.' Enjoying it a lot. Very cheezy in a very intentional kind of way but it wraps everything up in a way to where you realize you were foolish for interpreting it as cheezy. The story definitely makes you want to keep reading, which is a huge welcome to 'Beach Music.' I've managed to avoid Paul Hayward for the time being. Eventually I will have to return his stupid book to him and either tell him the truth that I thought it was garbage and stopped reading after 200 pages, in which I will then have to explain to him in great detail on why I think it is garbage (and by explain, I mean argue,) or I will just read enough reviews and summaries about it to be able to bullshit a 30 second comment on the piece of shit as I hand it back to him.

Battle of the Bay tonight. 9ers preseason opener against the Raiders. Raiders won 18-6. There's always next season I guess. Seriously though it was definitely a game where the team was being 'felt out.' I'm gonna be optimistic and look forward to a decent season of improvement.

My ear is poisoning me.

More strange dreams. This evil infection of my ear attacks the hardest at night. It keeps me awake, unable to relax and racked with aching pain. I intended to wake up at an early hour today but because of my sleepless night ended up sleeping until past noon once again. The dream:

I was leaving work for Thanksgiving holiday. The setting was dreary in a cinematic kind of way. Shortly after arriving home for the holidays one of my grandmas? (both are already deceased in real life,) or possibly my aunt unexpectedly passed away. The event put a whole dark damper over an already dark-mooded Thanksgiving. Everyone was sad and depressed but the family resolved to continue on with the holiday anyway. My Uncle Steve, or Richard, can't remember which, then saw something horrific and pointed my attention towards it. My cousin Darla, stricken with grief, had leaped from the 13th street bridge in Paso Robles, but in the dream the bridge went over a rocky area of tidal ocean, and was also right at the base of my Aunt Linda's driveway of her real-life house. I completely lost it, breaking down in my dream and sobbing, (woke later to find my cheeks were still wet from actually crying in my sleep.) My uncle asked me to come with him to inform the family of what we were seeing and I refused, I specifically remember saying in my dream, "I cannot do this." He went onward with the task of delivering the news. I stayed and watched Darla's body lying in the rocks with the gentle surf going over it and away from it. In the dream there was a complete police investigation into the matter and it was ruled a suicide but I had my doubts. There was some object that I knew if it was still in Darla's pocket would prove she hadn't killed herself. I went down into the rocky ocean area to retrieve it and sure enough it was there in her pocket. (I can't recall upon wakening what the object was, dammit.) I left and contemplated for what seemed like days in my dream as to what to do with my found information. I never reached a decision. At night I was walking up Aunt Linda's driveway (it's where I was staying while in my dream.) There was a huge storm raging and the sea beneath the bridge was roaring and tossing violently. The tide was all the way in and completely hid Darla's body from view. I went inside and laid down to bed and started hearing something coming from the kitchen. I got out of bed and went out to the kitchen and discovered my Mom sitting at the counter playing a tape recorder over and over. I heard something coming from it along the lines of "they're in our house," or something to that effect, it was like a ghost message though people who used to be there and were long gone, something like that. My Mom was very bothered by this, she had the worried look on her face that she had all the time during her last year alive. She wanted me to listen to it closely and handed me a pair of headphones to put on. I had put my arm around her shoulders to enjoy the short time I knew I had with her and tried to comfort her to whatever had her so scared in my dream. Then I woke up.

This ear infection has to go, I feel like it's crippling me somehow mentally. Makes it hard to concentrate on things. The photo of Clay is in the alleyway behind Brooks and Scoti's old house before cruisenight one year. Another photo of Ariel Mile. The photo of the cattle was taken out east of Paso. It was one of the first photos I took to fulfill an assignment at Brooks. Might in fact have been my first time shooting chrome. I've always been really fond of it.

I will not be finishing Beach Music. It is utter garbage that I have no intention of devoting any more time or effort into. This was confirmed by someone else whom Paul had pushed the book on as well previously. Time to find a new book. More to come, as well as my ear getting better!

Fathers Wine

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Today was a good day, nothing outstanding but good compared to the usual. I left work sick after about 25 minutes, making a grand total of $7, because of illness, which was completely true, but I still feel the exact same. I came home and chilled, just relaxed, read the news, dicked around on the internet, read a little bit of 'Beach Music,' (which really is a bag of garbage, the commitment I have to finishing this piece of shit is going to kill me,) and took a goddamn nap! It was all totally guilt-free because otherwise I would have been at work with a bunch of people I don't really like and making no money. I also just remembered I did all my laundry, which is a big task. Later in the day I ate a 'Rachel' from Miller's Delicatessen, (Jew-Sandwich,) and then I cut suitable mattes for four prints. It was a good feeling, after struggling for so long to get the cuts right, I got one done, and then didn't touch them for about 3 weeks. Today I did four, fuck yeah. They're not perfect by any means but nonetheless its a step forward. After that I went to my neighbor's house upstairs and partook in a drunken birthday party for some German chick whom I don't even know. If I end up having a guy named Robert as a roommate, that is where I met him.

I've thought about shifting my focus to wildlife photography, it seems that the natural world is a much more honorable thing to put a life's work behind, more than anything else. Maybe something like 'true' man's interaction with the natural world or something to that effect. I've always held the idea of a 'this place in history, right now' as my focus but the way we live our lives is already a joke, perhaps I should focusing on something that is already in danger of being forgotten by children that are already alive today. Animals, plants, and the natural masterpieces that will son be gone. Keep it around, somehow. Its a thought at least.

Beach Music sucks, I will continue to trudge through for a while though. More negative comments to come.

"Get rid of this ---> bullshit painting or its going out the window, this is not a gallery, it is a kitchen, and noone wants to look at this when they make their eggs. Sorry, I don't 'Get It." -Real Quote, Passive Aggressive note on chalkboard.

The photo of Husker is an attempt to capture how cool his coat looks. A better job can be done of this but his typical expression captured in this makes it a fun photo nonetheless. Normally, Husker runs away from cameras, he doesn't like them.
The picture of Austin, John, and Tim was taken at Mitch and Jane's house on New Years Eve night, shortly after Eric Doty's funeral.
Arial Mile is the last one, kinda cool use of layering in that one.

Does this thing move?

I just came home early from work with what I'm pretty sure is an ear infection. What struck me as interesting is how while I was bitching and moaning at work every female coworker got fired up Ms. Doctor-Lady with their own diagnosis and treatment of my problem, with such passion, that I was forced to make several promises that I would in fact follow their orders to a T for a speedy recovery. Meanwhile, every male coworker's input was simply, 'Man up pussy,' 'Drink some beers, you'll forget all about it,' or just 'Oh man, that sucks.'

Anyone who claims that female maternal instinct is a myth is full of malarky.