I had a dream last night in which someone told me, I don't know who, that an Artist is not an Artist unless their work changes over the course of a lifetime.
I haven't been diligent. Haven't written in a couple days. I've been looking through the eyes of a zombie.
In the midst of that though I hung out for a short while with one of my brothers and his family. Such a strange feeling to see someone from the family in this strange land, makes it easy to see what a different world I'm creating for myself here, whether that's good or bad I do not know. He mentioned that our grandfather in all likelihood has written me off because of the fact that I am not married and live in San Francisco and therefore am probably a homosexual. Created quite an array of emotions, first I was embarrassed and angry, and then hurt. It made me think of bigotry and judgement in a whole way that I never have before. I tried to imagine what a horrible, crushing feeling something like that would be if I was in fact a homosexual. After much speculation of the topic and the clarity that only a strong handed bartender can bring I think I'm over it. If he wants to write me off that's fine, I know I haven't been a very good grandson anyhow so if that's how it is then one last attachment for me to worry about I suppose. Besides, I'm an atheist, anarchist, and a drunk along with whatever other things I'm sure Grandpa would disapprove of, so if he wants to call me a queer instead of any of the other things I suppose it really makes no difference.
I came out of it with this feeling that someday, when I do find my success and it comes time to thank those that supported and cared and believed in me for all these years, the list will be very short and easy to wrap up.
I'm over Invisible Monsters. Always been a fan of Chuck but this one is just ugly. Not in the way of the material is edgy and controversial, but ugly in the way that it's about the type of people I want to take a boot to everyday. So that one is history. We'll see what comes next.
